What to wear: it’s a dilemma that’s been aroundforever. Cavemen and cavewomen stressed over which animal hide made them appear most threatening to wooly mammoths. Ladyfolk in the Victorian era mulled over this or that corset, while the dudes wondered whether those breeches made their calves look sexy. For thousands of years, people have looked upon a well-stocked closet and decided they had nothing to wear; it’s a predictable pattern that goes a little something like this:
1. The Initial, Optimistic Stages. The day looks bright and promising from where you’re standing. The Perfect Outfit is in this closet somewhere, and you will find it, and it will be everything you ever dreamed it would be, and also for no discernible reason your hair will look fantastic.
2. The “Making Piles” Stage. So far you’ve got a “no” pile, which is massive and demoralizing; a “maybe” pile, which is ambiguous and confusing; and a sad, empty space over in the corner that would theoretically be the “yes” pile if only all your clothes didn’t kind of suck.
3. The “Slow Descent into Insanity” Stage. This is turning into a debacle of nightmarishproportions. Someone slipped into your room last night and swiped all the cute, socially acceptable clothes, leaving behind the clothing choices of a social suicide mission. Nothing matches. Everything is falling apart. I mean, GOD. What is with those purple PANTS? You’ve wornthese things—in PUBLIC—and nary a person even bothered to mention that they make your butt look like two plums. Some friends you have. You try on everything in the "maybe" pile, and then everything in the "no" pile for good measure. And then... something inside you snaps.
4. The “Full-Blown Existential Crisis” Stage can be summarily described as “BBLLLEEEERGGHHHHH.” You’re disheveled. The clock is winding down. It’s the eleventh hour, and the best you’ve come up with is a pair of plum-butt jeans and a T-shirt that says “HOT STUFF.” Things are looking grim, if not downright hopeless. It’s at this point that you drop to your knees amid the stacks of clothes, raise your fists to the heavens, and let loose with a desperate, guttural scream of “WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?”
5. The Final Stages of Defeat. In rare cases, you will look up and see the Perfect Outfit being shrouded with beams of light as a chorus of angels sings “Hallelujah!” In all likelihood, however, you’ll throw on whatever crap outfit is nearest/looks the least revolting, and you’ll leave the house feeling dissatisfied. It happened to the cavemen and the Victorian ladies, and it’ll happen to you too. Just remember that you probably don’t look quite as horrid as you think you do. As long as you’re not wearing, like, one croc and one Ugg apiece after having given up completely and just deciding to turn your shower curtain into a dress, you’re probably okay. Sometimes all a closet needs to look better is a fresh perspective when you’re not in a time crunch. (Either that or a major shopping overhaul and a bucket of ice cream.)
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