Ever wish you could just throw a bunch of ingredients into the oven and have the perfect boyfriend pop out? Of course you do! And now you can, with my awesome, metaphorical contribution to recipes (because when I cook for real, the skies turn dismal and gray, and hope becomes a far-off dream).
INGREDIENTS:
- A dash of intelligence
- A pinch of cuteness
- A handful of endearing quirks
- A smidgeon of social awkwardness
- A pair of really cool pants
Optional: Abs you could grate cheese on, the kind of perfectly wavy hair that defies logic and reason, and/or a smile that is the embodiment of all that is good in the world.
DIRECTIONS: Chuck it all into a bowl (large, red, and zebra-shaped… THIS IS IMPORTANT! DO NOT FORGET) and mix until well blended (if it’s not the color of lilacs, you did something wrong). Toss in a few other qualities that are unique to the creator’s tastes. For instance, I might add the following:
- Must love books
- Must frolic on occasion
- Must be able to say he once licked all the frosting off four consecutive cupcakes
- Must love holidays to the extent that his passion scares some small children (but only the skittish ones)
- Must not recoil from the unsightly massacre that is me eating cake
- Must like video games, especially Mario Kart
- Must let me always be Baby Luigi while playing Mario Kart
- If he insists on taking Baby Luigi, he must not complain when I’m forced to be Yoshi and make his life a living hell
- Must have a really embarrassing public speaking story under his belt
- Must own a fedora (I defy you to show me one man who looks bad in a fedora)
- Must like dogs
- Must dislike cookies (more for me)
- Must be Orlando Bloom (optional but strongly encouraged)
Bake for approximately 1.5 to 6.72 hours, or until golden-brown. Sprinkle on some cinnamon and an all-around good personality. Let cool for 30 minutes. (Or don’t. Who does that, anyway?) And there you have it—a perfectly good boyfriend, fresh from the oven and ready for a date at the cinema!
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