How Famous Literary Characters Would Ask a Girl to the Prom

Literature is riddled with romantic characters doing all kinds of romantic stuff. It figures, then, that some of these memorable characters had to have gone to prom, right? So join me, on a magical journey to the very moments that our favorite literary characters asked their sweet hearts to prom!

Jay Gatsby
“Dearest Daisy, it would just be the most marvelous thing if you would come with me to the West Egg prom! I’ll put on my crispest pink and yellow shirt and boater hat, and we’ll have the most smashing after party in Jordan’s guest house! It’ll be just ducky! And if you don’t want to go… no big deal. I’ll just go swimming that night instead…”

Captain Ahab
“Arrrgh… I’ve been trying to find the way to get me thoughts together and… arrrgh. Moby, I was wondering if you… that is, if you arrrrren’t busy next Friday, would you want to go to the prom with me? Arrrrgh, I know, we’ve had ourrrrrgh ups and downs, what with me hunting you throughout the seven seas of the globe but it’s really just because… I’m in love with you!”

Holden Caulfield
“Wuddya say Sally? You and me, we can go the prom, I guess. It’ll probably be strictly for the birds, but I suppose we can go shoot the bull with some of the chaperones. Won’t be anyone but a bunch of phonies there dancing to a bunch of crumby music like Rihanna and LMFAO. Or we can take the train into New York City and break into the Central Park Zoo… Sally? Where are you going, Sally?”

Hamlet
“Surely thou thinks’t not that Homecoming is the very pinnacle of our courtship! Ophelia, you cleft my heart in twain when thous’t stood me up for the Varsity Soccer Hayrack Ride, but, oh, you mad, mad sorceress of my heart, I shall have thee for thine own on All Prom’s Eve. And we shall share a stretch limo with Laertes since he’s going stag. I hope thou art cool with that.”

Howard Roark
“I want you to know, Gail, that I am asking you to prom because it is what I have chosen for myself. It is what I want to do on that night, and if it wasn’t what I wanted, then I wouldn’t have asked you. I’ll also have you know that if I find no joy in the prom, I will leave. You may leave with me, or you may stay. That choice is yours. I cannot define your happiness for you. Where would you like to eat beforehand?”

The Dormouse
“Alice, I was… zzzzz… fwah! What’s that? Oh, hello Alice! I was just coming to ask you if you would…. Zzzzz… Schwah ho! Hello! I’m up! Oh, Alice. Just who I was looking for. I wanted to ask you to the prom. Now, I’m probably going to fall aslee…. Zzzzz. Shazam hoozah! Wha who? Yes, as I was saying, I won’t make you ride a dodo like the Mad Hatter did when you went to Winter Formal with him… zzzz…”

Recipe for the Perfect Boyfriend

Ever wish you could just throw a bunch of ingredients into the oven and have the perfect boyfriend pop out? Of course you do! And now you can, with my awesome, metaphorical contribution to recipes (because when I cook for real, the skies turn dismal and gray, and hope becomes a far-off dream).

INGREDIENTS:

- A dash of intelligence
 - A pinch of cuteness
 - A handful of endearing quirks
 - A smidgeon of social awkwardness
 - A pair of really cool pants

Optional: Abs you could grate cheese on, the kind of perfectly wavy hair that defies logic and reason, and/or a smile that is the embodiment of all that is good in the world.

DIRECTIONS: Chuck it all into a bowl (large, red, and zebra-shaped… THIS IS IMPORTANT! DO NOT FORGET) and mix until well blended (if it’s not the color of lilacs, you did something wrong). Toss in a few other qualities that are unique to the creator’s tastes. For instance, I might add the following:

- Must love books
 - Must frolic on occasion
 - Must be able to say he once licked all the frosting off four consecutive cupcakes
 - Must love holidays to the extent that his passion scares some small children (but only the skittish ones)
 - Must not recoil from the unsightly massacre that is me eating cake
 - Must like video games, especially Mario Kart
 - Must let me always be Baby Luigi while playing Mario Kart
 - If he insists on taking Baby Luigi, he must not complain when I’m forced to be Yoshi and make his life a living hell
 - Must have a really embarrassing public speaking story under his belt
 - Must own a fedora (I defy you to show me one man who looks bad in a fedora)
 - Must like dogs
 - Must dislike cookies (more for me)
 - Must be Orlando Bloom (optional but strongly encouraged)

Bake for approximately 1.5 to 6.72 hours, or until golden-brown. Sprinkle on some cinnamon and an all-around good personality. Let cool for 30 minutes. (Or don’t. Who does that, anyway?) And there you have it—a perfectly good boyfriend, fresh from the oven and ready for a date at the cinema!

Makeup Mistakes, Illustrated



You need one more lesson in all things up-making: a bunch of horribly illustrated makeup mistakes, lest you make an unfixable mistake that ruins your face for all time. Read carefully, and you'll be ready to make up like a pro! Fail to read, however, and you will NEVER DO YOUR MAKEUP CORRECTLY EVER.

When it comes to eyeliner, there's a fine line between a smoky evening look and Raccoon Chic. Make sure you're on the right side.

Despite appearances, false eyelashes can not pull double duty as a tiny mustache.

Lip liner does not equal a free pass to re-draw your mouth in any place or proportions you wish.

Using foundation to fake a sun-kissed complexion that's much darker than your real skin is a great trick... except for that part where, y'know, you have a neck.

Although her lasting appeal as a beauty icon is undeniable, Barbie's makeup should not be replicated by anyone except child beauty pageant contestants. And probably not even then.

Over-application of mascara can result in an effect known as "spider lashes." Over-application of tarantulas can result in an effect known as EEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH.

Putting on blush? Blend, blend, blend! Or, y'know, don't blend, and wind up looking like a scary life-sized doll. You are your own master.

If you have a mole (or, as I like to call it, a beauty mark!), don't try to hide it with cover-up. If you don't have a beauty mark, for the love of all that is holy, don't try to fake it.

Tim Curry successfully pulled off the light lipstick/dark lip liner look in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"... so you can't. Ever. No, really. Don't even try.

And finally, despite their intended use, eye pencils are still subject to all the rules about What Not To Do With Pointy Things In The Vicinity of Your Face.

Dear One Direction,

Dear One Direction,
I hate you. Or, well, I wanted to hate you. Unfortunately, however, I do not hate you. Rather, I hate what you’re doing to me.
To be honest, I thought you guys were all fourteen. That’s not an insult! You all have a certain boyish charm! Imagine my surprise when I Googled you and realized you were actually older than me. Actually, this will work out when we date, because I’m sixteen and just recently stopped getting children’s menus at restaurants. (Yes, we’re going to date. I can’t say for sure whether there will be a rotation, or if we’ll all date at the same time. We can hash out the details over some tacos. I hear you like tacos, Harry.)
For weeks, I literally couldn’t tell you guys apart. My twelve-year-old cousin painstakingly tried to break it down for me by highlighting each of your unique qualities; I remained convinced, however, that we now had five British Justin Biebers running amok, and I just didn’t need that kind of turmoil in my life… especially after my Jonas Brothers phase, during which I screamed “SOS" for weeks on end and hated myself.
But then the earth shifted. Stars aligned. A butterfly flapped its wings somewhere. Suddenly, I could NOT get enough of your stupid songs on the stupid radio, and I devoured your stupid interviews like they were Cookies & Cream Hershey bars, which is not a comparison I use lightly. Now I know more about you than I know about myself. (Will this be awkward on our first date? Should I pretend not to know so much so you can tell me yourselves, thereby creating a bond as opposed to a one-sided romance? Oh! OH! I know! It’ll be like that scene in 10 Things I Hate About You, wherein Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger take turns saying rumors they’ve heard about each other and then confirm or deny them. Just pretend you’ve heard things about me so this will work.)
For instance, I hear that you, Harry, have kissed two fans. Why not make it three? I've never kissed a boy before. You should probably be my first kiss, because one day when I’m famous (for inventing something wildly unnecessary but inexplicably popular, like the Snuggie, or for rescuing a child from a rogue lion at the zoo), it’ll be one of those fun facts they put on-screen at the movie theater while you’re waiting for the movie to start. It’ll say “Fun Fact: Lottie Speed's first kiss was Harry Styles.” And people will say, “Wow! That is a fun fact!” But if you’re not game for a smooch, how about a handshake? A fist bump? Maybe eye contact? Can you imagine what my cousin would say if I told her I made eye contact with Harry Styles? I’d be the Cool Older Cousin, which would rectify a certain un-coolness I boasted when I kept getting your band’s name wrong like some kind of really out-of-touch senior citizen. (I kept calling you “New Direction” or “Old Direction,” and she gave me this absolutely scathing look that said, “You’re dead to me.”)
I’m following you all on Twitter. You should follow me on Twitter. (@lottiefication) This will help our burgeoning relationship. I can get regular updates and watch as you do interviews and travel around the world, and in return you can watch as I try to do perfectly ordinary things like use public transportation and somehow wind up paying homeless men twenty-five cents for knock-knock jokes.
Look, let me break it down for you. I need you all to stop being so charming and likable and START ratcheting up some realistic human flaws! Your hair’s too smooth, Liam, and Harry, your smile is too adorable! Niall, your laugh is FAR too contagious! There are YouTube videos dedicated to your constant giggling! And Louis? You look way too good shirtless, so get that under control. ALL of your accents are way too attractive, so those will have to go. And Zayn? Come on, Zayn! I was recently watching an interview in which you were facing the camera directly and saying words, but I lost track of everything because your eyes started to twinkle. I’m serious. I do not kid about twinkling eyes. How did you even do that? Was it a conscious move on your part to render countless girls suddenly bamboozled? You could’ve been saying, “You know, sometimes I think we should reenact the Holocaust for a reality TV show, except with kittens,” and I would’ve been nodding enthusiastically. Also, the depth and intensity with which you stared into the camera made me feel as if you were staring into the darkest corners of my soul. (Stop that.)
It doesn’t help that your music is so damn catchy. Not all of it, but enough that I want to buy everything to satisfy what I’m convinced is an evolutionary-based NEED to dance. I also saw you on iCarly, and I haven’t been that jealous of Miranda Cosgrove since she got to spend YEARS with Drake Bell and Josh Peck and basically live the life I always wanted.
I hope you’re all happy. You know, I was perfectly happy before I had this all-consuming obsession akin to the Twilight infatuation of 2008. Congratulations. You have awoken the untamable beast within me. I’m a Directioner now, and I am neither proud nor ashamed—it’s simply a path I must take, a destiny I had to choose. I’ve known it for some time—perhaps I knew it all along.
Your Fan and Soon-To-Be Girlfriend(ish),
Lottie Speed

My First Post

So, this is very obviously my first post. I really have no clue what I'm going to write about here. I'd imagine this will be like a diary where I post my findings & my feelings. It'll basically be whatever I want it to be. I hope you enjoy and hang on for the ride.